Have you ever been angry at God?

Have you ever been angry/mad at God? Have you ever hated Him? Now before you answer the last question and you say no, let me give you the definition of hate.

Hate (as defined by Merriam-Webster) - (n) - intense hostility and aversion unusually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

When I looked up this meaning I will be honest and say, yes, I have just recently felt hatred towards God. I was so angry that there were thoughts and words running through my mind that I haven't thought in almost 18 years. I was angry, I was mad, and I hated God. Now let me very clear here. I still loved God, and though I was having these feelings I never thought about turning my back on Him nor was I wanting to give up my relationship with Him. It was actually the exact opposite. I wanted my intimacy back in my relationship with Him. I was just hurt and extremely angry.

You see, I am about to turn 40 years old this year and my life is not anything like I thought it would be. I thought I would be married by now, have a couple of children and be in full-time ministry. And....I don't have any of that. I have had people tell me that is my fault and I have had people tell me that He has a much greater plan for my life. My greatest desires have not yet been fulfilled. I have had people and even relatives tell me that maybe I'm not meant to be married and have children. Or people like to tell me the story about Sarah who was barren and then God have her a child in her 'old age'. Let me tell you something, none of these brings comfort or peace. It causes hurt and pain. I wanted to tell them to shut up. I probably have said that to some people. LOL! But it still doesn't stop them. Being the good little Christian that I am I just smiled and ignored the comments . The whole time I'm thinking when is it going to happen God! I'm so tired of all this! I was tired of hearing it! People do not realize how much power their words hold!

Proverbs 18:21 (MSG) - Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit - you choose.

So I started reading a book written by one of my Mentors/Spiritual Mom (Rebecca Greenwood) called "Defeating Strongholds of the Mind." I have only made it to chapter 3 at this point where she begins to list several different strongholds and I land on the one titled, "Unbelief." She states, "Unbelief does not accept the promises of the Lord; it causes those held captive by its lies to question the goodness, power, and faithfulness of God's Word. It paralyzes faith. Those who are bound by unbelief do not believe God for the possible or the impossible. They struggle to accept the love of the Father and to believe prophetic words concerning their destinies." And then she goes on to list several questions for you to answer to see if you may have this specific stronghold. Of course I realized at this point, yes I am dealing with unbelief. I can tell you prophetic word after prophetic word that I have received and several of them from different people that spoke some of the same things to me almost word for word. But nothing has come to past.

"Where Do Strongholds Come From? The traps that lead us into bondage can include trauma, betrayal, abuse, rejection, abandonment, accidents, bullying, ungodly control, angry family members, and so on." - Defeating Strongholds of the Mind by Rebecca Greenwood

I was also dealing with a horrible break from a ministry I walked beside for almost 5 years. There was an accusation that everyone knew was not true. And not one of my close friends stood up for me. Even though everyone involved and those who knew what was said, knew that I had done nothing wrong, I was still horrified, embarrassed and hurt. So I did what I thought was expected of me as a Christian and I was trying to fake it 'till I made it. In other words I forgave and acted like I wasn't horrified, embarrassed and hurt. I never dealt with the wound and pain.

But I had to make, the choice to believe what other people and the enemy were telling me, or what God was saying me. I am like the father of the son in Mark chapter 9 asking Jesus if there is anything you can do to help me and Jesus replied in verse 23 "'If you can! All things are possible for one who believes." and in verse 24 the father says "Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, " I believe, help my unbelief!" 

So you want to know what happened when I went to God about my anger and hatred? I told Him exactly how I felt. I said things to Him that I never thought I would ever say. It was an all out fight! I held nothing back...I mean NOTHING! I told Him exactly what I thought of Him and how I felt. I told him that I felt justified in feeling what I felt. And then I asked Him to prove me wrong. Do you know what He said to me? He took me back and reminded me of things that were said early in my life and even things that have been said to me now. And He said, if none of that was said to you, you would not have an issue with turning 40 and not being where you think you should be. In other words He was telling me I would be perfectly fine with turning 40 and still being single with no children and not in full-time ministry. And you know what? He was right. And I know that a lot of people will read this and think they could never approach God this way. And I would say that is part of what is wrong with the Church today. A real relationship has it's ups and its downs. There are things in your heart and if you continue to deny they are there then you will end up where I am. All it does is form strongholds and the hardest part is dealing with the ones that have been their for a very long time. I covered up my pain by trying to help those closest to me through their own dark times. I thought it really didn't matter what I was going through and if I let others know then I was being 'needy'. I didn't want to put that on anyone. Well, that is completely wrong thinking. While I am still not outspoken about what I go through. I realize that my life does matter and I no longer have to deny myself and my feelings and act like everything is fine. Yet the Church today still thinks they have to fake it 'till they make it and cover up their pain and put on a happy face a ignore their own pain (at least that's what I thought I had to do). I thought just because my feelings were not lining up with the word of God (Fruit of the Spirit) then I have no right to feel that way. That is wrong! God wants you to come to Him with your heart. If you are hurt and angry He wants to take care of it. I refuse to act like everything in my life is all sunshine and rainbows when I am hurting and need most of all my Father. I need Him to show me truth even when I feel like I am right. I need Him to heal me. I need His love! And most of all, I need my intimate relationship with God back.

I am not perfect and I have never claimed to be. All I can say is what I am walking through right now, God has been good and gracious to me. Let God know how you feel. Let Him show you truth. Let Him break the stronghold that the enemy has set up in your mind. I would recommend getting this book "Defeating Strongholds of the Mind" by Rebecca Greenwood. You can get it from her website, http://www.christianharvestintl.org.


This is MY story from my heart to yours,

Sandy